Alrighty then.... not too bad for the past couple of days- I made hubbys Birthday cake. Trimmed off the top and frosted the cake- ate one bite of the trimmed off with a drizzle of the frosting just for quality control purposes.
It was awful. Dry- not worthy to be one of my cakes.
To try and keep myself from being tempted I had used a Paul Hollywood mix for the cake. UGH- Never again.
Other than that I have stayed pretty much on plan. Eating what I should- not eating what I shouldnt- drinking my water and my tea.
Only sweeties I have had is my first coffee of the morning with one spoon of sugar in it- and I'm trying to wean myself back off of that bit too.
Today will be a veggie day- Im not in the mood for meat today so I'm going to skip it and just have my veggies for supper. Tomorrow is Fish Friday!!
Thursday, January 24, 2019
Monday, January 21, 2019
And The Winner Is....
Most certainly NOT me.
Today was a total wash. I woke up with a mega headache- I didn't even feel like making my coffee- which only made me feel worse.
Then, the food delivery came(we have weekly grocery delivery) and while putting everything away- I discovered I had a chunk of Triple Chocolate Chip Cookie dough in the freezer. So I set it aside when I was rearranging the freezer goods and wouldn't you just know it- there wasn't room for it to go back in the freezer -so I had to eat it.
Granted it wasn't a whole roll- it was just a bit I had left over from a couple months ago- but still... I should have either somehow MADE room for it back in the freezer or binned it. Instead- I sat and ate it and then drank a load of water and magically, my headache went away.
I didn't do housework today, I didn't job hunt today, I didn't walk or exercise in any way, shape, or form. I was LAZY with a capital Arse.
And I had a few slices of cheapo pizza for supper.
Surprisingly, I dont care- I needed a day off from doing anything so that's what I did. Tomorrow I'm sure I will be back to trying to eat healthily, finishing up cleaning and organizing my house and looking for a paying job.
Okay so today's food was:
Water, a glass of milk, my slimming tea, the cookie dough, 4 slices of pizza(it was a 12 inch pizza and I cut it into 12 pieces so about a third of it is what I ate)... then I had a ham sammich when I took my meds at 8PM(I have to eat something just before or I get sick from the meds). That was it.
I didn't weigh, either. I'll prob do that Wednesday and Saturdays.
Sunday, January 20, 2019
My Food Issues-
So I guess I have to figure out what my food issues are and when they began to be able to fix the problems, right?
What are my food issues...
1) I'm addicted to sugar- or maybe it's carbs in general.
2) I alternate between eating healthily, binging, and starving myself.
3) I'm a secret eater.
When I was younger, I wasn't a picky eater- I ate most everything, but having family that only knew how to make food that tasted good helped a lot in me not being a picky eater. Even Liver and Onions tasted really nice when Mom and Granny made them.
My favorite Meals-
Brekkie- Toast, eggs and bacon or a Cinnamon/Apple Pastry- both with coffee.
Lunch- BLT sammich with lots of mayo, salt and Pepper or a Chicken Wrap with Peppers and Onions. Both with Chips(as in French Fries)
Supper-A Burger with Tomatoes and lettuce, or Fish and Chips, Or Lasagna and Garlic Toast, Or Fried Chicken and Ranch Potatoes with a Green Veg(Green Beans, Green Garden Peas, Broccoli, or Brussel Sprouts are my top 4)
My Comfort foods.... Oh dear.
Oatmeal
Cake with frosting(Doesnt matter what kind of either)
Ice Cream
Sawmill bacon or sausage Gravy
Mashed Potatoes
Pie(any kind will do)
Chicken Dumplings
French Fries
Biscuits(American Style)
Coffee
Hot Chocolate
I do crave vegetables too- usually made into a thick creamy cheesy casserole of some sort. Altho lately I have been craving Brussels sprouts on an almost daily basis. When I crave veggies I eat them unreservedly, too.
Do you see my problem in the above foods? The majority of them are High Sugar- High Salt-High Carbs.
So....... when did I start having the problems with food?
I could lie and say when I started having kids. And that would be partly true. After I had my first baby there were some problems and she was under my mom & dad's care. A blessing.
But during that time, two things happened. I was raped... and I was in an abusive relationship. Im not going to talk about the rape- Not ever. But as for the relationship, my then husband made good money- for the times it was REALLY good money, but we had moved out into the boonies- miles and miles from a phone(why waste his money to have one when he was at work all day and out in the evenings with his friends)- miles and miles from family and friends. He would beat the crap out of me- and because he was afraid to get in trouble(my family would have killed him) he would lock me in the house while he was gone to work. Even if it wasn't locked from the outside, I would have been afraid to open the door to my mom or any other family member if they came to check on me because he had threatened to kill me if I did or if I tried to get out. So, instead, I would sit in silence if I heard a car outside no matter who it was, and I went for days and days without food. When I say no food- I meant literally NO FOOD at all in the house- he ate a huge lunch at work(his boss paid for all his teams lunches every day)- so there was no need for him to buy food for the house. He got by on his huge lunch and could save all his hard earned money on HIS extra-curricular activities and his friends..........I got down to 87 lbs.
So, that's where my problems with food began. I started to get food(ie I'd go out into the fields of corn and green beans next to our house and steal a bag of it while he was asleep in bed at night if I dared occasionally- or I'd grab crackers or my mom would give me a few cans of something if I asked for it on the rare times I was allowed to go to her house by him- She tried to get me to talk to her about what was going on but I was so damn brainwashed and terrified by him I was terrified to say anything- so I denied anything was wrong.)- and then I'd hide it away outside if he was home when I got home until he passed out or fell asleep so I could bring it in the house and hide it again. And While at moms I'd binge eat because I never knew when it would be the last time I got to eat for days. And because of the binges, I gained a bit of weight.. and lost weight-during the starvation times. I never knew when it might happen again. In the next few years- every time I lost weight- Something really bad would happen.
I think that's when it put my issues firmly in place.
So when I was finally away from the ex for good- I lost weight- and yet once again- bad things happened and I started gaining and haven't stopped.... Short bursts of weight loss and I somehow go back to my bad habits of comfort food.
Now that I'm in a very happy, stable relationship with a good man- I'm afraid to lose weight because I think every time I do something bad happens and I dont want anything bad to happen again. So I sabotage myself.
I know I do it.
I try not to- but this feeling of overwhelming panic sets in and I cant get into the kitchen to whip up some goodie or the other fast enough. I just cant stop myself. Even if I put it off for days I eventually end up doing it in the end.
And despite all that- something bad has happened again- I am on the verge of being a full blown diabetic who has to take insulin every day. I could lose limbs or even die from this if I dont take care of myself- so I have GOT to get over these phobias and superstitions and issues and get back to a healthy relationship with food.
I know it isn't going to be easy- There are probably days I am going to feel like I am going to die- or that I wish I would just and get it over with- but I have got to get thru it all somehow.
What are my food issues...
1) I'm addicted to sugar- or maybe it's carbs in general.
2) I alternate between eating healthily, binging, and starving myself.
3) I'm a secret eater.
When I was younger, I wasn't a picky eater- I ate most everything, but having family that only knew how to make food that tasted good helped a lot in me not being a picky eater. Even Liver and Onions tasted really nice when Mom and Granny made them.
My favorite Meals-
Brekkie- Toast, eggs and bacon or a Cinnamon/Apple Pastry- both with coffee.
Lunch- BLT sammich with lots of mayo, salt and Pepper or a Chicken Wrap with Peppers and Onions. Both with Chips(as in French Fries)
Supper-A Burger with Tomatoes and lettuce, or Fish and Chips, Or Lasagna and Garlic Toast, Or Fried Chicken and Ranch Potatoes with a Green Veg(Green Beans, Green Garden Peas, Broccoli, or Brussel Sprouts are my top 4)
My Comfort foods.... Oh dear.
Oatmeal
Cake with frosting(Doesnt matter what kind of either)
Ice Cream
Sawmill bacon or sausage Gravy
Mashed Potatoes
Pie(any kind will do)
Chicken Dumplings
French Fries
Biscuits(American Style)
Coffee
Hot Chocolate
I do crave vegetables too- usually made into a thick creamy cheesy casserole of some sort. Altho lately I have been craving Brussels sprouts on an almost daily basis. When I crave veggies I eat them unreservedly, too.
Do you see my problem in the above foods? The majority of them are High Sugar- High Salt-High Carbs.
So....... when did I start having the problems with food?
I could lie and say when I started having kids. And that would be partly true. After I had my first baby there were some problems and she was under my mom & dad's care. A blessing.
But during that time, two things happened. I was raped... and I was in an abusive relationship. Im not going to talk about the rape- Not ever. But as for the relationship, my then husband made good money- for the times it was REALLY good money, but we had moved out into the boonies- miles and miles from a phone(why waste his money to have one when he was at work all day and out in the evenings with his friends)- miles and miles from family and friends. He would beat the crap out of me- and because he was afraid to get in trouble(my family would have killed him) he would lock me in the house while he was gone to work. Even if it wasn't locked from the outside, I would have been afraid to open the door to my mom or any other family member if they came to check on me because he had threatened to kill me if I did or if I tried to get out. So, instead, I would sit in silence if I heard a car outside no matter who it was, and I went for days and days without food. When I say no food- I meant literally NO FOOD at all in the house- he ate a huge lunch at work(his boss paid for all his teams lunches every day)- so there was no need for him to buy food for the house. He got by on his huge lunch and could save all his hard earned money on HIS extra-curricular activities and his friends..........I got down to 87 lbs.
So, that's where my problems with food began. I started to get food(ie I'd go out into the fields of corn and green beans next to our house and steal a bag of it while he was asleep in bed at night if I dared occasionally- or I'd grab crackers or my mom would give me a few cans of something if I asked for it on the rare times I was allowed to go to her house by him- She tried to get me to talk to her about what was going on but I was so damn brainwashed and terrified by him I was terrified to say anything- so I denied anything was wrong.)- and then I'd hide it away outside if he was home when I got home until he passed out or fell asleep so I could bring it in the house and hide it again. And While at moms I'd binge eat because I never knew when it would be the last time I got to eat for days. And because of the binges, I gained a bit of weight.. and lost weight-during the starvation times. I never knew when it might happen again. In the next few years- every time I lost weight- Something really bad would happen.
I think that's when it put my issues firmly in place.
So when I was finally away from the ex for good- I lost weight- and yet once again- bad things happened and I started gaining and haven't stopped.... Short bursts of weight loss and I somehow go back to my bad habits of comfort food.
Now that I'm in a very happy, stable relationship with a good man- I'm afraid to lose weight because I think every time I do something bad happens and I dont want anything bad to happen again. So I sabotage myself.
I know I do it.
I try not to- but this feeling of overwhelming panic sets in and I cant get into the kitchen to whip up some goodie or the other fast enough. I just cant stop myself. Even if I put it off for days I eventually end up doing it in the end.
And despite all that- something bad has happened again- I am on the verge of being a full blown diabetic who has to take insulin every day. I could lose limbs or even die from this if I dont take care of myself- so I have GOT to get over these phobias and superstitions and issues and get back to a healthy relationship with food.
I know it isn't going to be easy- There are probably days I am going to feel like I am going to die- or that I wish I would just and get it over with- but I have got to get thru it all somehow.
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Mountain Of Lies
Mostly, this is a journal for my food intake and how I'm dealing with my food issues.... the suggestion of a journal came from my doctor now that I am firmly in Pre-diabetes-land. Unhappy Me.
But I brought it on myself.(Not a lie.)
I've done it before.
Only I can "fix" the problem.(Also not a lie.)
Also, I have fixed it before.
However, it's 1AM so I'm heading to bed now but I will be posting daily... starting when I wake up.
Weight today 249
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