Handy Ma'am

Okay- so maybe I've been going about this all wrong.

Maybe I need to set up my own shop, so to speak. I know how to do plenty of stuff. I have a lot of experience in loads of things other than office work. Matter of fact- office work is the least thing I have experience in. Mostly what I have done my entire life has been in the home raising kids or in the field as law enforcement in one way or another.
Maybe what I need to do is set myself up as a Handy Ma'am.  You know- go and do all the little things only women seem to know how to do.

*Clean an oven? Can do.
*Bake a cake? Can do.
*Deep clean a room? Can do.
*Organize a pantry or a room? Can do.
*Bake a cracking Mac and cheese pie? Can do. (My sister makes the best one, but mine aint bad.)
*Bake a Mile High Apple Pie? I'm your girl.
*Banana Pudding? - or any other Southern Treat- I'm on it!
*Clean your kitchen or bath? Give me a call.
*Rearrange your furniture to give you a fresh new look without having to buy new things? Here I am.
*Want someone to just come and spend an afternoon with your parent(s) so you can have a break? That would be me- I would love to meet some new people and most people over here are fascinated by my Southern accent when it's on full draw. I have 3 different Southern Drawls...one I use for the office, one I use for most people out of the office- and the real one I grew up with that generally only my family understands.
*Need a mediator for a squabble? I'm completely unbiased and will give you my honest opinion and help you settle it.(Lots of practice with children in that area.)
There are so many things I can do to make a person's life easier and bring in me an income at the same time.
If it's not illegal or immoral, I'm good to go.

I'm not even joking y'all. Would it work or not?

Lost

You know how you have that ONE  girlfriend that you are so in tune with and you love her to death, but when you really think about it, you dont think she feels the same way about you? She says she does, calls you her sister, but in the seven years you have known her you have only actually gone out and done something four times together? Once was a Night out at the pub.... once was to a fashion show... once was to the Christmas Market and once just a shopping trip. There have been a few home visits at my house- Thanksgiving Dinner twice, a coffee and sweet roll brunch maybe once or twice a year, but I have only ever been to her house once in the time we have known each other. I couldn't tell you her address. Best friends aren't like that. They know where each other lives, their fav colour(s), thier pet peeves, what kind of ice cream is their go to pint what they weigh, that they stubbed their toe the night before and that they are calling in sick to work just because they need a break from the Bosses Bullshit.

I have to admit- when we are together I really do feel we are sister souls, but those times are so few and far between- and there is no reason for it. We live in the same city. Yes- we both had jobs outside the home- but so did my Bezzie back home too. We were at each others homes every week, sometimes every day during the summers. There were times when our lives got busy and we wouldnt see each other for weeks or months - but we always took up right where we had left off- and there was never a blip.

We talked honestly and openly about all the things. With my new friend, We talk about things, we sort them out, or so I think. I dont know sometimes what to think. The new friend has a housemate that has a TOXIC sister, she actually attacked her sister and my friend.... she had been barred from the house because my friend is so worried about what the housemates sister might do- yet last night, my friend went on a night out with Housemate and psycho sister.

There are a lot of examples of those type situations, Her strange relationship with her ex and keeping her pets at the house she shared with him instead of having them at her own home where she lives. Having another friend who is toxic- and she goes out with her as well, now and again.
WHY does she carry on with such toxic relationships when she clearly tells me about how toxic they are and how she needs to get away from them, yet the relationship with me- who she claims to be soul sisters with, she seems to ignore when it comes to spending time with me?

Am I jealous? Clearly, yes I am a bit- I never thought I would be this damn lonely with a best friend living within the same city as me, and it hurts a bit to see her out and about with the Toxic people in her life that she complains about to me. I just dont understand.

 But the thing I'm also worried about is if ours a toxic relationship as well. Clearly we are not in the same frame of mind as to what being a best friend entails. Yet we text every day- and occasionally we chat on the phone, but I have seen her post that she was ready to end it all just days ago.... did she call me to talk about it or to ask can she come over for a hug(because everyone knows a HUG can be that one thing that keeps you from leaping off the cliff)? No... she did not. I read about that episode on the internet. REAL Bezzies would have been able to talk about it... to have a hug and a cry about it together and to lean on each other. But I knew nothing about it because she didn't feel like she could pick up the phone or come over for me to help her... never mind I have told her a hundred times, if you need to talk- anytime day or night- I am HERE for you- and I DO exactly that when I am feeling depressed. I text or call her to let her know I need to talk- I am depressed and I reach OUT to my friend.

I just feel lost at this point. I dont know what to do. Feeling like this isnt good for me and my state of mind- but at the same time, I so dont want to lose her as a friend. I actually DO trust her enough to let her know how I am feeling and that I really do wish she felt the same. I need her in my life- I feel like God gave us to each other for a reason.

Maybe it's just our backgrounds, I came from a Touchy feely kind of family that told each other how we felt and made sure we knew it...(However, That only came when I wrote suicidal thoughts in my diary that my mom found when I left it open on my desk and read it)...... I dont think my friend was brought up that way. But at some point, we all need someone to trust- literally- with our lives.  I want her to know I will help her if she just trusts me to let me in.But it hurts me too much to see her  saying one thing and then doing things that I know is going to hurt her frame of mind down the road. And hurt me because I'm the one watching her do it to herself.

I just am lost as to what to do or say.

Im Working On It

Yeah-  I am


No lies to tell myself today.
Just food to log.

Brekkie=Nothing
Lunch= 2 slices WW bread/thin slather of mayo/small sliced tomato sprinkled with a dash of salt & pepper.
Dinner=Chicken Breast/ boiled potato/broccoli/ spoonful of gravy

Tomorrow is Valentines Day so I'm going to make some chocolate Chip Cookies(I think) or maybe a Chocolate Cobbler as a treat... with Rib-eye Steak/ and Air fryer chips. I'll list the actual food tomorrow.

Not Bad for a Baking Day!

Alrighty then.... not too bad for the past couple of days- I made hubbys Birthday cake. Trimmed off the top and frosted the cake- ate one bite of the trimmed off with a drizzle of the frosting just for quality control purposes.
It was awful. Dry- not worthy to be one of my cakes.

To try and keep myself from being tempted I had used a Paul Hollywood mix for the cake. UGH- Never again.

Other than that I have stayed pretty much on plan. Eating what I should- not eating what I shouldnt- drinking my water and my tea.

Only sweeties I have had is my first coffee of the morning with one spoon of sugar in it- and I'm trying to wean myself back off of that bit too.

Today will be a veggie day- Im not in the mood for meat today so I'm going to skip it and just have my veggies for supper. Tomorrow is Fish Friday!!

And The Winner Is....

Most certainly NOT me.

Today was a total wash. I woke up with a mega headache- I didn't even feel like making my coffee- which only made me feel worse.

Then, the food delivery came(we have weekly grocery delivery) and while putting everything away- I discovered I had a chunk of Triple Chocolate Chip Cookie dough in the freezer. So I set it aside when I was rearranging the freezer goods and wouldn't you just know it- there wasn't room for it to go back in the freezer -so I had to eat it.

Granted it wasn't a whole roll- it was just a bit I had left over from a couple months ago- but still... I should have either somehow MADE room for it back in the freezer or binned it. Instead- I sat and ate it and then drank a load of water and magically, my headache went away.
I didn't do housework today, I didn't job hunt today, I didn't walk or exercise in any way, shape, or form. I was LAZY with a capital Arse.
And I had a few slices of cheapo pizza for supper.

Surprisingly, I dont care- I needed a day off from doing anything so that's what I did. Tomorrow I'm sure I will be back to trying to eat healthily, finishing up cleaning and organizing my house and looking for a paying job.

Okay so today's food was:
Water, a glass of milk, my slimming tea, the cookie dough, 4 slices of pizza(it was a 12 inch pizza and I cut it into 12 pieces so about a third of it is what I ate)... then I had a ham sammich when I took my meds at 8PM(I have to eat something just before or I get sick from the meds). That was it.

I didn't weigh, either. I'll prob do that Wednesday and Saturdays.

My Food Issues-

So I guess I have to figure out what my food issues are and when they began to be able to fix the problems, right?

What are my food issues...
1) I'm addicted to sugar- or maybe it's carbs in general.
2) I alternate between eating healthily, binging, and starving myself.
3) I'm a secret eater.

When I was younger, I wasn't a picky eater- I ate most everything, but having family that only knew how to make food that tasted good helped a lot in me not being a picky eater. Even Liver and Onions tasted really nice when Mom and Granny made them.

My favorite Meals- 

Brekkie- Toast, eggs and bacon or a Cinnamon/Apple Pastry- both with coffee.

Lunch- BLT sammich with lots of mayo, salt and Pepper or a Chicken Wrap with Peppers and Onions. Both with Chips(as in French Fries)

Supper-A Burger with Tomatoes and lettuce, or Fish and Chips, Or Lasagna and Garlic Toast, Or Fried Chicken and Ranch Potatoes with a Green Veg(Green Beans, Green Garden Peas, Broccoli, or Brussel Sprouts are my top 4)

My Comfort foods.... Oh dear.
Oatmeal
Cake with frosting(Doesnt matter what kind of either)
Ice Cream
Sawmill bacon or sausage Gravy
Mashed Potatoes
Pie(any kind will do)
Chicken Dumplings
French Fries
Biscuits(American Style)
Coffee 
Hot Chocolate

I do crave vegetables too- usually made into a thick creamy cheesy casserole of some sort. Altho lately I have been craving Brussels sprouts on an almost daily basis. When I crave veggies I eat them unreservedly, too.

Do you see my problem in the above foods? The majority of them are High Sugar- High Salt-High Carbs.

So....... when did I start having the problems with food?
I could lie and say when I started having kids. And that would be partly true. After I had my first baby there were some problems and she was under my mom & dad's care. A blessing.

But during that time, two things happened. I was raped... and I was in an abusive relationship. Im not going to talk about the rape- Not ever. But as for the relationship, my then husband made good money- for the times it was REALLY good money, but we had moved out into the boonies- miles and miles from a phone(why waste his money to have one when he was at work all day and out in the evenings with his friends)- miles and miles from family and friends. He would beat the crap out of me- and because he was afraid to get in trouble(my family would have killed him) he would lock me in the house while he was gone to work. Even if it wasn't locked from the outside, I would have been afraid to open the door to my mom or any other family member if they came to check on me because he had threatened to kill me if I did or if I tried to get out. So, instead, I would sit in silence if I heard a car outside no matter who it was, and I went for days and days without food. When I say no food- I meant literally NO FOOD at all in the house- he ate a huge lunch at work(his boss paid for all his teams lunches every day)- so there was no need for him to buy food for the house. He got by on his huge lunch and could save all his hard earned money on HIS extra-curricular activities and his friends..........I got down to 87 lbs.

So, that's where my problems with food began. I started to get food(ie I'd go out into the fields of corn and green beans next to our house and steal a bag of it while he was asleep in bed at night if I dared occasionally- or I'd grab crackers or my mom would give me a few cans of something if I asked for it on the rare times I was allowed to go to her house by him- She tried to get me to talk to her about what was going on but I was so damn brainwashed and terrified by him I was terrified to say anything- so I denied anything was wrong.)- and then I'd hide it away outside if he was home when I got home until he passed out or fell asleep so I could bring it in the house and hide it again. And While at moms I'd binge eat because I never knew when it would be the last time I got to eat for days. And because of the binges, I gained a bit of weight.. and lost weight-during the starvation times. I never knew when it might happen again. In the next few years- every time I lost weight- Something really bad would happen.
I think that's when it put my issues firmly in place.

So when I was finally away from the ex for good- I lost weight- and yet once again-  bad things happened and I started gaining and haven't stopped.... Short bursts of weight loss and I somehow go back to my bad habits of comfort food. 
Now that I'm in a very happy, stable relationship with a good man- I'm afraid to lose weight because I think every time I do something bad happens and I dont want anything bad to happen again. So I sabotage myself.
I know I do it.
I try not to- but this feeling of overwhelming panic sets in and I cant get into the kitchen to whip up some goodie or the other fast enough. I just cant stop myself. Even if I put it off for days I eventually end up doing it in the end.
And despite all that- something bad has happened again- I am on the verge of being a full blown diabetic who has to take insulin every day. I could lose limbs or even die from this if I dont take care of myself- so I have GOT to get over these phobias and superstitions and issues and get back to a healthy relationship with food.
I know it isn't going to be easy- There are probably days I am going to feel like I am going to die- or that I wish I would just and get it over with- but I have got to get thru it all somehow.

Mountain Of Lies

There are lots of them and you'll eventually hear all about them here.

Mostly, this is a journal for my food intake and how I'm dealing with my food issues.... the suggestion of a journal came from my doctor now that I am firmly in Pre-diabetes-land. Unhappy Me.

But I brought it on myself.(Not a lie.)
 I've done it before.
Only I can "fix" the problem.(Also not a lie.)
Also, I have fixed it before.

However, it's 1AM so I'm heading to bed now but I will be posting daily... starting when I wake up.


Weight today 249