You know how you have that ONE girlfriend that you are so in tune with and you love her to death, but when you really think about it, you dont think she feels the same way about you? She says she does, calls you her sister, but in the seven years you have known her you have only actually gone out and done something four times together? Once was a Night out at the pub.... once was to a fashion show... once was to the Christmas Market and once just a shopping trip. There have been a few home visits at my house- Thanksgiving Dinner twice, a coffee and sweet roll brunch maybe once or twice a year, but I have only ever been to her house once in the time we have known each other. I couldn't tell you her address. Best friends aren't like that. They know where each other lives, their fav colour(s), thier pet peeves, what kind of ice cream is their go to pint what they weigh, that they stubbed their toe the night before and that they are calling in sick to work just because they need a break from the Bosses Bullshit.
I have to admit- when we are together I really do feel we are sister souls, but those times are so few and far between- and there is no reason for it. We live in the same city. Yes- we both had jobs outside the home- but so did my Bezzie back home too. We were at each others homes every week, sometimes every day during the summers. There were times when our lives got busy and we wouldnt see each other for weeks or months - but we always took up right where we had left off- and there was never a blip.
We talked honestly and openly about all the things. With my new friend, We talk about things, we sort them out, or so I think. I dont know sometimes what to think. The new friend has a housemate that has a TOXIC sister, she actually attacked her sister and my friend.... she had been barred from the house because my friend is so worried about what the housemates sister might do- yet last night, my friend went on a night out with Housemate and psycho sister.
There are a lot of examples of those type situations, Her strange relationship with her ex and keeping her pets at the house she shared with him instead of having them at her own home where she lives. Having another friend who is toxic- and she goes out with her as well, now and again.
WHY does she carry on with such toxic relationships when she clearly tells me about how toxic they are and how she needs to get away from them, yet the relationship with me- who she claims to be soul sisters with, she seems to ignore when it comes to spending time with me?
Am I jealous? Clearly, yes I am a bit- I never thought I would be this damn lonely with a best friend living within the same city as me, and it hurts a bit to see her out and about with the Toxic people in her life that she complains about to me. I just dont understand.
But the thing I'm also worried about is if ours a toxic relationship as well. Clearly we are not in the same frame of mind as to what being a best friend entails. Yet we text every day- and occasionally we chat on the phone, but I have seen her post that she was ready to end it all just days ago.... did she call me to talk about it or to ask can she come over for a hug(because everyone knows a HUG can be that one thing that keeps you from leaping off the cliff)? No... she did not. I read about that episode on the internet. REAL Bezzies would have been able to talk about it... to have a hug and a cry about it together and to lean on each other. But I knew nothing about it because she didn't feel like she could pick up the phone or come over for me to help her... never mind I have told her a hundred times, if you need to talk- anytime day or night- I am HERE for you- and I DO exactly that when I am feeling depressed. I text or call her to let her know I need to talk- I am depressed and I reach OUT to my friend.
I just feel lost at this point. I dont know what to do. Feeling like this isnt good for me and my state of mind- but at the same time, I so dont want to lose her as a friend. I actually DO trust her enough to let her know how I am feeling and that I really do wish she felt the same. I need her in my life- I feel like God gave us to each other for a reason.
Maybe it's just our backgrounds, I came from a Touchy feely kind of family that told each other how we felt and made sure we knew it...(However, That only came when I wrote suicidal thoughts in my diary that my mom found when I left it open on my desk and read it)...... I dont think my friend was brought up that way. But at some point, we all need someone to trust- literally- with our lives. I want her to know I will help her if she just trusts me to let me in.But it hurts me too much to see her saying one thing and then doing things that I know is going to hurt her frame of mind down the road. And hurt me because I'm the one watching her do it to herself.
I just am lost as to what to do or say.
